I have this posted on one of my groups on Multiply. However, a couple of friends having conflicts asked me to post it here. I hope it helps. If not I hope it makes my stance clear on this issue.
These are my own views and are not meant to offend anyone.
The topic is about being two faced. Come on we all have it in us. When ever we say something we do not mean just to pacify someone we are being two faced.
Personally I feel that being two faced is often used as a means to avoid confrontation. It's not just about running behind someones back and tattling on them. It is often about agreeing not to disagree.
What do we lose when we do that? Personally I feel like we lose self respect. I know I have done it and have been left feeling like I should have spoken my own mind.
As some of you know I often give lectures and there are two things I teach when faced with confrontation.
--------------------------------------------------
The first is "Pause....Welcome...Pause".
When dealt confrontation or a question you are not sure how to answer do not jump right into it.
1)Pause for a couple of seconds. Take a breath.
2) Welcome the question or situation. It throws people off guard.
3) Pause again and then answer.
----------------------------------------------
The second is the "3 F Method".
The 3 F's are FEEL...FELT/FEEL..FOUND/FIND
1) I understand how you feel.
I am trying to understand how you feel.
2) I have felt the same way.
I might feel the same way.
3) However, I have found...
You might find...
-----------------------------------------------------
It takes practice using these methods. If you are in any kind of marketing they work great when dealing with a client who is negative about the cost of your product. Even better when dealing with a client who is complaining about your service or product.
However, I also use these methods when dealing with confrontations or being put in the middle of something. Here are several examples.
1) You are trying to sell a product and your potential buyer tells you that they think it is too costly. (First I don't think you should be selling anything you do not believe in) Your potential buyer says they like what you have but they can find something cheaper.
YOU: (Pause)
Say, "Thank you for expressing your feelings. You should be comfortable with what you purchase."
(Pause)
I understand how you feel.
I felt the same way at first.
However, I have found......
This is where you would let them know that you believe in your product and that the extra expense is worth it. Explain why the product is worth more and your personal experience using the product.
---------------------------------------------------
2) You own or manage a business. A client calls to complain about the work one of your employees did.
You: (Pause)
Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I need to know these things.
(Pause)
I understand how you feel.
I would feel the same way.
If you give us chance to correct the situation I am certain you will find it will not happen again.
-------------------------------------------------------
Clients do not want excuses made. When you welcome their complaint they stop and listen to you. Most people calling to complain are ready for the other person to have their guard up. It puts them on guard and they are ready to stand firm.
---------------------------------------------------------
By now you are probably asking what this has to do with being two faced. Well, these methods also work when faced with being put in the middle of something. Usually, this is when someone is more likely to be two faced.
1) A friend starts complaining about another friend who you have no problem with. Often people nod their head thinking this is avoiding confrontation. What you are doing is telling the friend complaining that you are agreeing with them. How often have you done that and that friend tells the other one that you agree with them?
Let's pretend you have a friend named Carol. You like Carol but she has a problem with your friend Beth. You also like Beth. Carol is outspoken and does not like that Beth dates 5 different men at the same time. You might not like it either but you feel this is Beth's choice. Now Carol finds out Beth is dating her brother. Carol's brother knows Beth sees other people and is fine with that. You also know Beth is honest with the men she dates about seeing other people.
Carol: I am so pissed off! Beth is nothing but a slut. I cant believe she is dating my brother. I don't know how you can be friends with her. Don't you think she is a slut?
You: (Pause)
Say, "Thanks for bringing this up. I know it has been bothering you."
(Pause)
I hope you understand how I feel.
I might feel the same way if it were my brother.
However, I have found that Beth is very open about seeing different men. I like Beth and personally who she is seeing is none of my business. I hope my friendship with Beth does not interfere with ours.
--------------------------------------------------------
You have not chosen sides but more important you have not been two faced letting the absent friend down.
---------------------------------------------------------
Women can be their own worst enemies. So often we fall into gossip. So often we do not speak up. Silence can be a deadly thing. Speaking up does not mean you have to battle or take sides. Yet sometimes not speaking up is the same thing as taking a side.
Being two faced and gossiping to me are basically the same thing. Gossiping can be a dangerous game. Let me tell you a personal story that took place 22 years ago.
I left my husband and father of my three children when my youngest was 6 weeks old. He was abusive. I had always warned him if he touched my children I was gone. One day I stepped out of the shower and heard a loud slap then I heard my 6 week old cry. It was such a blood curdling cry it still upsets me when I remember it. My ex had slapped him in the face because he was crying. My baby had a big hand print across his face.
I left in the middle of the night. I took my children and one garbage bag filled with what I could carry. Someone found me and got me to a shelter. The shelter explained I could stay for 30 days and they would help me with restraining orders and any other resource I needed.
I called the Director where I worked and explained my situation. The director had suspected I was being abused and was more then willing to give me a leave of absence. He was thankful I was getting help.
Word got out that I left my husband. Soon someone started drawing conclusions. At the time I was good friends with my department head. I was also good friends with his wife. There was a woman who could not understand that a male and a female could be close friends without sex being involved.
This women started telling people that my boss was the father of my last child and that is why I left my husband. This got back to my bosses wife. In the meantime I had no clue what was going on.
When I came back I felt shunned by some people. Eventually I was confronted with the rumor. I spoke to my boss and his wife. She knew better. I always tell my kids I used the same jello pudding mold when I made them. They look alike and they look like their father.
It did not stop there. This rumor got back to my ex and I got reminded of why I left him. This simply because of someone being two faced and gossiping. My boss and his wife came in one day. A mandatory meeting was held. This rumor was confronted and the director decided to implement a new employee rule. Basically stating that gossip would not be tolerated in the work place and offenders would be terminated from their position.
The woman who started the rumor against me giggled. When asked why she was giggling she explained she felt that there was nothing wrong with gossip. I stood up turned around and lifted my shirt. I showed everyone the marks on my back left from a belt buckle. The marks left because my ex was told he was not the father of our son. I also explained my son had to have blood tests to prove he was my exes child.
I have a saying, "Hearsay means people hear and say. Hearsay = Rumor = Gossip= Two Faced"
If we can not be true to our own feelings we can not be true to others. I hope you enjoyed this post.
Much Love & Respect
Robinette
aka
AVID
These are my own views and are not meant to offend anyone.
The topic is about being two faced. Come on we all have it in us. When ever we say something we do not mean just to pacify someone we are being two faced.
Personally I feel that being two faced is often used as a means to avoid confrontation. It's not just about running behind someones back and tattling on them. It is often about agreeing not to disagree.
What do we lose when we do that? Personally I feel like we lose self respect. I know I have done it and have been left feeling like I should have spoken my own mind.
As some of you know I often give lectures and there are two things I teach when faced with confrontation.
--------------------------------------------------
The first is "Pause....Welcome...Pause".
When dealt confrontation or a question you are not sure how to answer do not jump right into it.
1)Pause for a couple of seconds. Take a breath.
2) Welcome the question or situation. It throws people off guard.
3) Pause again and then answer.
----------------------------------------------
The second is the "3 F Method".
The 3 F's are FEEL...FELT/FEEL..FOUND/FIND
1) I understand how you feel.
I am trying to understand how you feel.
2) I have felt the same way.
I might feel the same way.
3) However, I have found...
You might find...
-----------------------------------------------------
It takes practice using these methods. If you are in any kind of marketing they work great when dealing with a client who is negative about the cost of your product. Even better when dealing with a client who is complaining about your service or product.
However, I also use these methods when dealing with confrontations or being put in the middle of something. Here are several examples.
1) You are trying to sell a product and your potential buyer tells you that they think it is too costly. (First I don't think you should be selling anything you do not believe in) Your potential buyer says they like what you have but they can find something cheaper.
YOU: (Pause)
Say, "Thank you for expressing your feelings. You should be comfortable with what you purchase."
(Pause)
I understand how you feel.
I felt the same way at first.
However, I have found......
This is where you would let them know that you believe in your product and that the extra expense is worth it. Explain why the product is worth more and your personal experience using the product.
---------------------------------------------------
2) You own or manage a business. A client calls to complain about the work one of your employees did.
You: (Pause)
Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I need to know these things.
(Pause)
I understand how you feel.
I would feel the same way.
If you give us chance to correct the situation I am certain you will find it will not happen again.
-------------------------------------------------------
Clients do not want excuses made. When you welcome their complaint they stop and listen to you. Most people calling to complain are ready for the other person to have their guard up. It puts them on guard and they are ready to stand firm.
---------------------------------------------------------
By now you are probably asking what this has to do with being two faced. Well, these methods also work when faced with being put in the middle of something. Usually, this is when someone is more likely to be two faced.
1) A friend starts complaining about another friend who you have no problem with. Often people nod their head thinking this is avoiding confrontation. What you are doing is telling the friend complaining that you are agreeing with them. How often have you done that and that friend tells the other one that you agree with them?
Let's pretend you have a friend named Carol. You like Carol but she has a problem with your friend Beth. You also like Beth. Carol is outspoken and does not like that Beth dates 5 different men at the same time. You might not like it either but you feel this is Beth's choice. Now Carol finds out Beth is dating her brother. Carol's brother knows Beth sees other people and is fine with that. You also know Beth is honest with the men she dates about seeing other people.
Carol: I am so pissed off! Beth is nothing but a slut. I cant believe she is dating my brother. I don't know how you can be friends with her. Don't you think she is a slut?
You: (Pause)
Say, "Thanks for bringing this up. I know it has been bothering you."
(Pause)
I hope you understand how I feel.
I might feel the same way if it were my brother.
However, I have found that Beth is very open about seeing different men. I like Beth and personally who she is seeing is none of my business. I hope my friendship with Beth does not interfere with ours.
--------------------------------------------------------
You have not chosen sides but more important you have not been two faced letting the absent friend down.
---------------------------------------------------------
Women can be their own worst enemies. So often we fall into gossip. So often we do not speak up. Silence can be a deadly thing. Speaking up does not mean you have to battle or take sides. Yet sometimes not speaking up is the same thing as taking a side.
Being two faced and gossiping to me are basically the same thing. Gossiping can be a dangerous game. Let me tell you a personal story that took place 22 years ago.
I left my husband and father of my three children when my youngest was 6 weeks old. He was abusive. I had always warned him if he touched my children I was gone. One day I stepped out of the shower and heard a loud slap then I heard my 6 week old cry. It was such a blood curdling cry it still upsets me when I remember it. My ex had slapped him in the face because he was crying. My baby had a big hand print across his face.
I left in the middle of the night. I took my children and one garbage bag filled with what I could carry. Someone found me and got me to a shelter. The shelter explained I could stay for 30 days and they would help me with restraining orders and any other resource I needed.
I called the Director where I worked and explained my situation. The director had suspected I was being abused and was more then willing to give me a leave of absence. He was thankful I was getting help.
Word got out that I left my husband. Soon someone started drawing conclusions. At the time I was good friends with my department head. I was also good friends with his wife. There was a woman who could not understand that a male and a female could be close friends without sex being involved.
This women started telling people that my boss was the father of my last child and that is why I left my husband. This got back to my bosses wife. In the meantime I had no clue what was going on.
When I came back I felt shunned by some people. Eventually I was confronted with the rumor. I spoke to my boss and his wife. She knew better. I always tell my kids I used the same jello pudding mold when I made them. They look alike and they look like their father.
It did not stop there. This rumor got back to my ex and I got reminded of why I left him. This simply because of someone being two faced and gossiping. My boss and his wife came in one day. A mandatory meeting was held. This rumor was confronted and the director decided to implement a new employee rule. Basically stating that gossip would not be tolerated in the work place and offenders would be terminated from their position.
The woman who started the rumor against me giggled. When asked why she was giggling she explained she felt that there was nothing wrong with gossip. I stood up turned around and lifted my shirt. I showed everyone the marks on my back left from a belt buckle. The marks left because my ex was told he was not the father of our son. I also explained my son had to have blood tests to prove he was my exes child.
I have a saying, "Hearsay means people hear and say. Hearsay = Rumor = Gossip= Two Faced"
If we can not be true to our own feelings we can not be true to others. I hope you enjoyed this post.
Much Love & Respect
Robinette
aka
AVID
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